me and my weak mentality

someone I know, became so strong after being bullied and underestimated
as people are so various
I know I am the opposite of him
I hold back my tears, but sometimes, my heart just cant hold to beat fast
pain in this heart really make me want to stop trying, sometimes to stop living too
I know, that was a bad idea
evil idea
I still have Allah though, with this faith, I stand up
lets be stronger, Vina

thanks Heart, for beating everyday, for being synchronized with my mind
Thank for keep me trying and alive

lets face it, maybe still with weak heart
but definitely with some stronger determination
lets continue, to the very end, until this heart stops beating

Kata-kata lembut

Nayla, keponakanku, sudah menginjak usia 8 tahun, tapi disuruh sholat sulitnya bukan main. Sekarang-sekarang ini (setelah Ramadhan) sudah mulai gag pernah bolong lagi, tapi teteeep aja nundanya lama banget dan seringnya sampai waktu sholat hampir/ sudah habis. Mama dan papanya Nayla (dan orangtuaku) selalu ngingetinnya dengan ucapan keras dan nada penuh jengkel, sayapun juga sama. Tapi saya pikir-pikir, peringatan dengan nada jengkel sama sekali tidak mempan buat Nayla (yang mungkin juga sama tidak mempan buatku juga /mempan cuma sebentar). Jadi harus ada cara lain. Saya tahu betul, ingatan Nayla sangat kuat terutama ketika dia mendengar cerita yang menarik, sindiran yang mengundang senyum, dan cerita perumpaan yang logis, so saya ingin menerapkan ini dengan mengurangi rasa jengkel dan nada bicara saya.
Pagi ini Nayla sholat subuh. Jam 7.30. Ketika mulai memberi nasihat “Nayla, lain kali gag boleh lo seperti ini, sudah terlambat ini”. Dan dia mulai beralasan; gag dibangunin lah, di rumah biasa begitu lah. Saya muter otak dengan apa yang harus saya katakan, entah datang inspirasi darimana, sepersekian detik kemudian mulut saya terbuka:

Nayla, kalau sholat terlambat dari waktunya, itu seperti kalau kamu terlambat menyelesaikan soal ulangan di sekolah, teman-teman kamu sudah selesai, sudah dikumpulkan jawabannya dan pulang, tapi kamu belum sendiri. Tahu apa yang terjadi kemudian? Kamu tetep bisa ngumpulin jawabanmu, tapi nilaimu nanti tidak dihitung dan tidak bisa masuk rapor. Akhirnya gag naik kelas deh.

Nayla terpancing dengan kata-kata saya. “Tapikan kalau gag sholat gag ada hubungannya dengan naik kelas?”. Jawaban saya: ” kalo sholat, bukan nilai ulangan yang dihitung, tapi pahala. Jadi bukan gag naik kelas, tapi nanti gag bisa naik ke surga Allah”.
Aw aw aw, so sweet ya, haha. Semoga berdampak baik buat Nayla. Keuntungan lain dari kata-kata lembut ini adalah kata-kata ini bahkan bisa menohok si orang yang ngomong. Diri sendiri tersindir, ouch…
Bagaimana? Kata-kata lembut jauh lebih baik kan? daripada dengan kata-kata bernada tinggi yang datang karena rasa jengkel yang seringkali sejenak menghilangkan kesadaran kita. Mau bukti? Berapa banyak orang tua di dunia ini yang cepat-cepat nyuruh anaknya mandi karena terburu-buru akan pergi bersama ke suatu tempat (misal janjian reuni atau mau belanja keburu siang) tapi gag sadar bahwa di waktu lain ketika orang lain berada di situasi sama dengannya, sikapnya sama persis dengan sikap anaknya yang merasa bahwa situasi itu tidak mendesak untuknya. Kalo inget tentang anak-anak, jadi inget novel Little Prince (banyak banget hikmahnya tentang bagaimana orang dewasa bersikap dibanding anak-anak).
Anak-anak itu selalu benar kawan, yang bikin dia salah itu karena dia tidak tahu. Tidak tahu kalau sesuatu itu tidak boleh dilakukan, tidak boleh ditiru, tidak boleh ditinggalkan, tidak bisa membedakan situasi kapan sesuatu itu boleh dilakukan, dll. Sedangkan kita orang dewasa yang serba tahu, sering sengaja melanggar dan berbuat salah…

Teruntuk Sahabat dan Keponakanku yang Baru Lahir

Belakangan ini, beberapa event-event kebetulan hadir di hidupku…
Pertama postcrossing, aq menebak tanggal kapan postcard ke 30juta sampai dengan benar dari 1 bulan sebelumnya, walopun jamnya salah (tebakanku sekitar jam 3 pagi, ternyata hasilnya jam 00:57, huhu).
Kemudian waktu aq ngaji aq nemu kata “manami” (AsShoffat:102), aq uda lama pengen nemu kata yang baik artinya dalam bahasa jepang dan bahasa arab, karena AlQuran yg aku biasa ngaji tidak ada terjemahannya, aku cari di AlQuran per kata yang besar, dan lagi-lagi ketika kubuka AlQuran itu, kebetulan langsung ke halaman yang dimaksud (manami =  dalam tidur/ mimpi, bagian dari clausa “…aku [Nabi Ibrahim AS] melihat dalam mimpi bahwa aku menyembelihmu [Nabi Ismail AS]…”).
Dan terakhir ketika kakakku bilang due date kelahiran anaknya adalah tanggal 10 Juni, aku langsung menebak kalo tanggal kelahirannya pasti maju jadi tanggal 6, sama dengan tanggal lahir seorang sahabat yang kukenal yang berada nun jauh di sana. That was quite something!
Posting ini didedikasikan untuk mereka berdua, seorang keponakan yang baru saja lahir dan belum punya nama yang pasti, dan seorang teman yang baru saja memperingati hari lahirnya.

Ahsan’s lil bro, semoga jadi anak yang soleh, pandai, sehat, ceria, dan senantiasa dilindungi oleh Allah SWT.
ユニちゃん, I hope you’ll continue the right path you’ve chosen smoothly, and always be under His loving care, be healthy, and be happy.

Baru kemarin aku ingat pendapatnya mengenai “usaha dan prestasi” yang menjadi nasihat yang kuingat selalu ketika aku cemburu dengan prestasi orang lain : “orang itu seringnya ngliat orang lain sukses dengan mudah, padahal kita nggak pernah tahu bahwa apa yang dia usahakan untuk mencapai kesuksesan itu mungkin sangat melelahkan dan penuh perjuangan (di-alihbahasakan oleh Vina)”. Kata-kata ini yang membuatku selalu ber-postitive thinking tentang orang lain.
I dont have so many friends and family members, but I love them very very much.

New Perspective of “Running Away” from Silver Spoon

One of my favorite mangas is “Gin no Saji” or Silver Spoon. Anime episodes and live action movie are good to watch too. Why do I like it? It contains good humor, interesting setting and deep messages. I want to share with every one some of good moments that cling on my mind. For summary, this manga is about a boy named Hachiken Yugo, a city boy from Sapporo. After failing to pass the entrance exams for the high school he plans to attend, Yugo decided to enroll at Ezo Agriculture High School instead (which is far from home and has dormitory), believing that an easier academic workload would leave him with more time to prepare for college exams. But his expectation of daily school life in agricultural school was completely wrong.

Ezo Agriculture High School is located in Hokkaido island

Ezo Agriculture High School is located in Hokkaido island

Favorite moment (“running away is one of what people could do to survive”)
*read it from right to left

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GReeeeN – 僕らの物語 – Bokura no Monogatari – Our Story (Rom – Eng Lyrics)


What if this world is for someone and I am just an extra.
What about my loneliness?
Someone, please tell me.

Every minute, every second of my limited time keeps passing in front or my eyes.
I wonder how many people would cry if I died right now

These feelings I cannot talk about to anyone are ready to break my heart.
I tell myself that one day I will be happy, it’s another sleepless night…

“I will greet the morning.”

I’ll become strong, I’ll become strong.
I keep telling that to myself over and over again!!
We’re all equal when born.
A smile will surely be the start.

All bystanders so far tell all future adventurers:
Become strong, be strong
Until I die

Hey, dad.
You named me.
What was the wish or reason behind it?
Am I as you hoped for…

Really, I don’t know.
I may be, I may be not.
I wonder how nice it would be, if I could just live the perfect life!

The constraints keep increasing.
I pretend I don’t hear anything at all.
My cool head let out a scream!

It’s my voice, it’s my voice!
Can someone hear me?
My scream triggered by loneliness is like my first tear ever shed.

Laugh, just once.
There’s no need to give up.
As long as I live, it’s a war I can survive.
Until I die

Oh yeah
Oh yeah

Even when I’m sad, even when I want to cry, the next day will break for sure.
Even when I’m angry, even when I want to die, the next day will break for sure.

Not giving up, I will show everyone my smile.
I’ll survive, I’ll survive, until I die.

I’ll become strong, I’ll become strong.
I keep telling that to myself over and over again!!
We’re all equal when born.
A tear will surely be the start.

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Good night, Vina

I just watched 괜찮아, 사랑이야. Psychiatry is very new world for me, but so interesting. I learned that trauma can stay in a person with some forms. Now I don’t want to say “that person is crazy” again. Because we are indeed human who always getting hurt and make someone else hurt, and we all are sometimes crazy, with different acts, with different craziness levels. This drama made me realized that when people were faking themselves to be strong person, they are indeed getting weaker. To be strong is realizing that we feel pain, we need others, thats nothing wrong with expressing sadness.
By the way, this drama is about a writer and radio dj with trauma from domestic abuse when he was child. He then met a psychiatrist and developing romantic relationship. My favorite quote is in final episode:
[The protagonist, Jang Jae Yeol, came as a guest in radio show that he used to be in as a dj]

Many people probably already know I am currently battling schizophrenia. Doctors say that 1 out of 100 people have this common illness and rather than it being an incurable disease, it is possible to return to normal life. I trust their words and I’m planning on trying my best. What I can do for those whom I love is never losing hope no matter what. For today’s good night words, instead of directing them to you (listener), I would like to dedicate them to myself instead. Up until now, I’ve always only asked how others feel and have said numerous goodbyes to them, but for myself, I haven’t once done the same for myself. Tonight, I also suggest you (not to ask others but) to ask yourself, “Are you really okay?” Check on yourself like this and do a warm “good night” to yourself. I wish you’d all do this. So, tonight as well; Good night, Jang Jae Yeol.

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Letters to my self

I wrote some letters to my self years ago. Surprisingly, its always comfort me. Maybe because I always find it when I face big trouble (actually its always): questioning future. First letter I wrote in 2006, my senior year of high school.
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